Mary
by Kat03
Summary: Carter/Abby A kiss is just a kiss. Or not? (story takes place after season 8 final 'lockdown')
1. Chapter 1

Title: Mary

Author: Saskia Albert

Email: Saskia.Albert@t-online.de

Category: Abby/Carter (Carby)

Rating: PG 13

Spoilers: season 8 final "Lockdown", slight ones for the first eps of season 9

Summary: A kiss is just a kiss. Or not? (Takes place after the last scene of Lockdown)

Archive: Sure, just let me know where it's going

Disclaimer: I don't own any of ER's characters. I just use them for my stories. Any other characters have been created by me. J

Author's Notes: For those of you who don't know it, yet: I'm not a native speaker, so there can still be mistakes. But I did my best, though. J

~°~°~°

Sometimes I think of all the things  
I should have said  
I hope it's not too late  
I wanna make you understand  
If the world crashes down over me  
I know that my life is complete  
Cause I've held you   
In my arms all night

(E. Iglesias / If the world crashes down)

~°~°~°

Mary

By Saskia Albert

PART 1

Chicago General Hospital

Chicago

Emergency Room

Thursday

1 am

She trembled. Her blood was rushing through her veins, her hands clutching his shirt as he carefully drew her closer to him, hands resting on her waist. The ice bag she'd been holding slipped out of her hands and fell on the floor but she didn't care. None of them cared about anything but this moment, the feelings, the emotions they were experiencing. New and strange, some even scary. But she wanted to feel it, to feel everything that could be felt in this very moment. No thinking, just feeling with all of her senses. Feeling his skin on hers, tasting his lips that were touching hers longingly, inhaling his scent. A familiar yet new scent, a mixture of desinfectioning spray, sweat, soap and a slight touch of after-shave. 

She felt a painful awakening when their lips slowly parted to allow both to catch their breathes. She didn't want this to end and kept her eyes closed for a while. She knew as soon as she would open them again, nothing would be how it used to be some minutes ago. And suddenly this old, familiar feeling of fear came back to her. She hated it but couldn't prevent or stop it. It was part of her character and a kind of self-protection she had used to built up as a consequence of what she had experienced in her life, things that had changed her life. And she didn't like when things changed in her life. A change meant letting go of all familiar things and letting go meant losing control and losing control was something she would never allow herself. She couldn't. She was an addict. And losing control had always resulted in addiction, in painful relapses. She was still trying to fight against the current relapse and she was on the right way. Another loss of control was something that could result in another relapse. 

And yet, there was no way back. Things had changed. Again. Abby became too painfully aware of that when she finally opened her eyes just to find another pair of brown eyes staring into hers intently. In his eyes, she found exactly what she had been afraid of. So many things she'd never thought she would see, so many emotions she had never imagined someone would ever keep for her, things she had never wanted to believe would actually exist. A part of her wanted to gratefully accept those feelings, the gift someone was offering her but another part told her she couldn't take it because it would complicate her life. And above all, it would complicate his life, as well. She was sure that it was a gift so precious that she couldn't give anything comparable in return. 

"You cold?" His concerned voice brought her back to reality. He gently stroke a strand of her hair that had fallen into her face behind her ear and smiled lightly. Abby looked up at him.

"Hmm? No, why?"

Carter caressed her arm with the backside of his hand. 

"You're shivering."

"Oh…no. I'm fine. I was just….I don't know. But I'm fine." Carefully releasing herself from his embrace, she strolled back and pulled herself on the gurney behind them. 

"I guess sleep-deprivation is finally catching up on me." Abby yawned and rubbed her eyes, then focused her eyes on the ground. She couldn't face him. 

Carter studied her for a second, then made himself comfortable next to her. Silence filled the room. He didn't know what to say. Of course, he knew what he was dying to tell her but this was just not the right place, the right moment to do it. And he was still trying to realize what had just happened a few minutes ago. Yes, he realized that IT had finally happened. He'd done it. They'd done it. Done something he'd been wanting to do for such a long time. At a point where he'd almost given up hope that things would ever change between them, that it would be more than friendship they'd share. And yet, he wasnn't sure whether it had been the right place and time to get things going and whether Abby had wanted it, too. Sure, she'd more or less told him some time ago that she also wanted something to happen between them and she'd always been there for him, more than a friend could have been but still…those little doubts didn't stop to bother him. Moreover, he couldn't have chosen a more inappropriate time for the change. Abby was still suffering from her relapse, having her own problems so she wouldn't probably be in the mood or sensitive for this. Anyway, it was too late to change it, nor to take it back and part of him didn't want to take it back, so they had to go on. This way or that way. If she would only tell him what she was feeling. But this was just not Abby.

Carter nervously swung his legs back and forth before he finally dared to take a look at Abby who was still sitting next to him. He felt like a teenager who had just kissed his first date but unfortunately this time, it was something serious and he wasn't a teenager anymore.

She could literally feel his gaze on her face and turned her head to face him. Abby shrugged her shoulders.

"What?" 

"Abby…" 

Just as Carter was about to talk to her, they heard someone knocking at the door. Seeing who it was, Carter jumped off the gurney and went to the door. Through the glass, he could picture Susan, her coat completely drenched with blood. He went closer to the door thus he could hear what she was trying to tell him through the glass. 

"Susan? What… the hell is happening out there?!" Carter tried to speak as loud as possible and pointed on her bloody coat. "You need help?"

Susan raised one hand to stop him. 

"Calm down, Carter. Everything's okay. Well, at least for us. Romano just went through hell."

"Romano? What happened to him? He got smallpox?" Carter nervously crossed his arms. It was killing him not to know what was going on in the rest of the ER and above all, that he was not able to help anyone.

Abby jumped off the gurney and went to Carter as soon as she heard Romano's name in connection with smallpox. 

"Susan, what happened?"

"We don't have another case of smallpox so far. He had an accident with the helicopter. We had to reattach his arm."

Abby's and Carter eyes almost popped out of their heads. 

"What?! He lost his arm? Is he okay? Does Weaver know?" Carter was concerned.

Susan nodded.

"Yes, she does. He lost a lot of blood but he's stable now. Everything's under control for now, Carter."

Carter raised and eyebrow at Susan.

"Under control? We are stuck in this damn room, one of our best surgeons loses his arm and the rest of the world is fighting against smallpox. You gotta tell me when something's getting out of control, ok?!" Carter answered sarcastically and immediately regretted what he'd just said. He didn't intend to get mad at Susan or anyone but sleep-deprivation, stress and hectic were finally catching up on him.

Abby touched his arm.

"Carter, come on. It's been a hard day for all of us."

Carter looked at Abby and then back at Susan.

"Sorry. But this sucks already."

Susan smiled. 

"Nevermind. Listen, I don't have much time, need to go back and look after Romano. Luka needs help. Just wanted to check whether everything's okay with you two."

Abby smiled lightly and sighed while Carter strolled back and leant against a wall in the back of the room. 

"Couldn't be any better."

Susan smiled back.

"I see. Well then, need to hurry up. See you later." She turned around and Abby watched her running down the hall and disappearing behind a door. She wondered where the situation was worse – here or outside. Sighing, she turned around and went to Carter who had already sat down, leaning with his back against the wall, elbows resting on his knees. He looked up when Abby sat down next to him. 

"Everything okay?"

Carter gazed at Abby, then nodded. 

"Yeah. I've had better days."

"Bet Romano has had better days, too. Do you think he'll lose his arm?"

Carter shrugged his shoulders.

"Possibly. Don't know. They reattached it but that doesn't mean that it will function properly again. It's not against all odds that he may lose it, I'm afraid."

"He's one of the best surgeons I've ever seen. It would kill him."

"Certainly."

Carter focused his eyes back on the ground. For a few seconds, this awkward silence filled the room. Abby didn't like this kind of silence between them. It occurred each time some things had remained unspoken and it reminded her that sooner or later, someone would bring it on. She took a quick look at her watch.

"Another 10 hours and it'll be over", she remarked, stroking another strand of hair behind her ear.

Carter rose his head. 

"Over?"

"Well, at least for us. We can leave this damn room."

Carter smiled.

"Oh, yeah. On the other hand…", he paused. 

Abby looked at him curiously of what he was on about.

"On the other hand, what?"

A cheeky grin appeared on his face.

"Um, nothing."

"Oh come on, Carter. On the other hand, what?", Abby pleaded and carefully pushed with her elbow against his. She hated it whenever he was teasing her like this but Carter enjoyed his game. 

"On the other hand, well….. it could be worse." He kept grinning at Abby whose eyes snapped wide open. She sure hoped he was kidding.

"It could be worse? It could be worse?! Oh, of course. We could be stuck here together with Kerry. Sorry, I forgot", Abby replied.

Carter couldn't help and bursted out laughing and Abby joined him. She was the first to catch her breath again after a few seconds.

"So what, Carter? Why could it have been worse? I couldn't imagine it getting even worse."

He hesitated for a moment before he took hold of her hand. 

"It would have been worse if you hadn't been here with me."

His words made her froze. She wished she'd been able to move or react but she couldn't. Her eyes locked with his and she couldn't focus them on something else even though one part of her told her to stop it, to run away, run away from being hurt again, from open up to someone, from too much closeness. 

Before she could do anything, Carter covered her face with his hands and placed a kiss on  her forehead. Resting his forehead against hers, he whispered,

"I'm glad you're here."

Abby's heart almost melted at those words and his touch. And yet, she was fighting a constant battle with herself, her mind and her heart. She couldn't do that. It wouldn't work. Never. Slowly taking his hands off her face, Abby tried to say something.

"Carter…"

Carter looked at her in surprise.

"What?"

"I…uh… I'm tired."

She jumped to her feet and Carter watched her. 

"Oh, I see. Sure. It's been a hard day." He tried to sound as polite as possible but something deep inside him told him that something was wrong. He didn't like her reaction. Maybe it was just the situation they were in right now. Maybe…and if not? He wasn't in the mood for longer discussions, so he agreed on getting some sleep. Tomorrow would be a better day. Hopefully.

Pointing at the gurney, he offered,

"You can take it if you like."

Abby instantly shook her head. 

"No, Carter. You're having a bad back. You better take the gurney. I take the floor."

"You really think I'd let a lady sleep on the floor?"

Abby tried to convince him.

"Carter, please…"

"No way. You take the gurney, I take the floor", he insisted.

Abby sighed. She wasn't in the mood for a longer discussion, either, so she finally agreed, went to the gurney and laid down on it. 

Lying on the gurney, she rolled over on one side to face Carter who was now lying on the floor, his hands providing a more or less comfortable pillow for his head. 

"You will regret this tomorrow", she commented.

"Maybe", he replied and closed his eyes.

"You're crazy." Abby smiled, rolled over to the other side and closed her eyes, too.

"Maybe."

"Goodnight, Carter."

"Goodnight, Abby."

This was going to be a tough night, Abby thought before she finally drifted off to sleep. A tough night. But tomorrow was going to be even harder. She feared tomorrow.

3 am

Carter kept his eyes closed but couldn't sleep. He was tired and exhausted but too many thoughts and images relating to the passed day were going through his mind. And last but not least, he was still feeling hot and the floor was the less comfortable place to sleep on he had ever imagined. His back hurt like hell. Suddenly, he wished he had accepted Abby's offer and chosen the gurney. On the other hand, he knew that he'd rather die than asking her to sleep on the floor. Even though he was sure she would have agreed if he'd just asked. 

It was something they had in common. They'd always be there for each other, no matter what. She had been there for him and he had been there for her. Always. 

He remembered the day he had coincidentally found out about her relapse and that she had started drinking again. It had hit him like a knife. Not because she had done it again but because he hadn't been there to prevent it. He had never forgiven himself that he hadn't been there for her before although Abby had never complaint about that. 

Carter opened his eyes and looked at Abby who was lying peacefully on the gurney. He wondered whether she was asleep or still trying to fall asleep like him. He watched her for a while. Her breathing was slow and calm, so he figured she'd finally fallen asleep. 

A smile grew on his face. It was funny to him when he remembered how much he had hated her once. He had hated her for reporting his narcotics addiction to Mark and Kerry. And then he had realized that she'd saved his life. They had probably had the worst conditions for starting a good friendship but now, this friendship had turned out to be the most precious one he had ever had. But where were they now? Today, they had crossed the lines and Carter didn't know where they were going to. Sure, he didn't regret having kissed her since he had been longing to do this for ages but he felt he needed a kind of confirmation from Abby's side just to be sure he'd done the right thing. He needed to know whether she had wanted it, too, or whether it had just been an impulse she was already regretting. How he wished she had reacted differently but something was wrong with her. He had a feeling that she was trying to maintain a certain distance between them and it had nothing to do with the unusual situation they were currently in. Maybe she would talk to him tomorrow. Maybe. 

He tried to focus on something else and closed his eyes again. He could hear sirenes of ambulances coming from afar and people were talking outside, running, yelling. Susan and Luka maybe, but he wasn't sure. And for a moment he was glad he'd got stuck in this room with Abby because Luka and Susan wouldn't get any sleep tonight. Not tonight. The noise slowly faded away and before he had noticed it, Carter had fallen asleep.

11 am

"Carter? Carter! Get up."

Carter awoke abruptly when he felt someone shaking him and calling his name. He could barely see who it was that had woken him because the bright light was causing pain in his eyes and he could only glimpse. But judging from his voice, he knew it was Luka. 

"Luka?", hj mumbled, rubbing his eyes with his hands. 

"Yes. Time to get up", Luka who was kneeling in front of him, replied.

Carter tried to get up and screamed out loud in pain.

"Ouch!! Geez!!!" 

"What's wrong?", Luka wondered.

"God, sleeping on the floor was a damn stupid idea!" Carter placed his hands on his hips, still trying to get up.

"At least YOU got some sleep. Get up." 

Luka offered him his hand and Carter accepted it gratefully. 

"Rough night, huh? How's the situation now?", Carter yawned and stretched his arms into the air.

Luka leant against the gurney. He looked like hell. His eyes were dark and tired.

"I try to avoid this expression but all in all, we have it 'under control'.

Carter nodded. 

"Got it."

"Any more cases of smallpox?"

"No. But we now have a final confirmation that it IS smallpox. God knows how we got this." He rolled his eyes and shrugged his shoulders. 

"I honestly don't wanna know. What about the quarantine?"

"Well, we're still desinfectioning everything and the ER is still closed for new patients but you can leave it if that's what you were asking for. Your blood test results were negative. Neither you nor Abby are infectious."

"That's good news." 

Carter was relieved that they were not infectious even though he'd been almost sure that they weren't. None of them had shown symptoms of smallpox. But it was a big relief, though, to have his assumption verified. And suddenly, he realized that Abby was already gone. He needed to see her. Of course, he knew she was okay but he needed to see her. 

Luka was already strolling to the door when Carter followed and touched his shoulder. 

"You know where Abby is?"

Luka stopped and looked at Carter. It was one of those looks he always used to give him since he'd once got to know that Carter and Abby were somehow more than friends. Sometimes, Carter had wondered whether Luka was still interested in Abby and only pretending not to care about her but on the other hand, he sometimes used to show a disgusting indifference towards her, her life and her problems. He still remembered his words when Carter had told him that Abby had got a relapse. "She's a big girl", was not really proving that he was still loving her desperately. Anyway, Carter and Luka had somehow managed to arrange the situation. He knew that they would never be close friends but they respected each other at work. That was satisfying enough.

Luka stared at Carter for a moment, then answered his question.

"Maybe the lounge. The last time I saw her, she was on her way to the desinfection shower. Speaking of which…"

"I know", Carter cut him short. He knew that he had to do the same procedure than Abby or he'd never be able to leave the hospital.

Luka nodded and walked down the hall while Carter made his way to the desinfection area. 

12 am

"You did an excellent job. You risked your lives to save others." 

Kerry Weaver was talking to Abby who was sitting next to her at a table in the lounge. The two were enjoying some hot coffee. 

"I did what I had to do. Carter did most of the work", Abby tried to escape from this situation. She had never liked standing in the spotlight and being honored by anyone. She had always found that embarassing even if she had actually deserved being honored. It was just not her character. She took another sip of coffee. God, was she tired. It would take several litres of coffee to wake her up, she was afraid. Of course, she had slept a few hours but she was still feeling exhausted. 

Kerry leant back on her chair and put on her glasses.

"Sure. I'd like to thank you, though." She smiled at Abby.

"Thanks."

"Uhh, where's Carter anyway? I haven't seen him today", Kerry asked and hoped Abby would know but Abby shook her head.

"Don't know. He was still asleep when…"

She was about to finish her sentence when the door opened and Carter stepped into the lounge. Like Abby, he wore a new set of working clothes and his hair was still wet from showering. A white towel hang loosely around his neck. Spotting Abby and Kerry, he walked over and joined them at the table.

"Morning."

Carter took the chair next to Abby who greeted him with a light smile. It was still a weird feeling to sit here beside him. Normally, there wouldn't have been anything spectacular about it because her best friend was sitting a few inches away from her. Normally. If there wasn't the fact that they had kissed each other last night and the fact that she was keeping all those incredible new, yet familiar, feelings for him. Feelings, one wouldn't keep for one's best friend. A part of her hoped that he would take this kiss as a single event, resulting from the extraordinary circumstances under which it had happened. 

"Morning Carter." Kerry's voice filled the room.

"I just talked to Abby about what a great job you two did. It was an extraordinary situation and you had to take a lot of responsibility and you took the right decisions." Kerry smiled at Carter. 

"Did I?" His voice was filled with a slight touch of disappointment.

"Carter, you know that you can't save everyone's life. But we would have had more victims if you hadn't done what you did."

"You were great", Abby jumped in. 

Carter immediately turned his head and stared at Abby. Realizing what she'd just said, Abby couldn't help but stare back at him. She could have kicked herself for blurting out what she had been thinking. It always happened to her in the less convenient situations. 

Kerry got up and strolled to the door. 

"Well, there are a lot of things to be organized. And I also gotta find someone who's going to replace Robert, so I better hurry up. And I don't want to see you two here any longer. Get home and get some rest", Kerry said smiling in their direction. 

"We'll do that", Abby answered before Kerry disappeared behind the door. Her eyes fell on Carter who was still staring at her. 

"Um…coffee?", she tried to make her way out of this embarassing situation. Quickly, she got up and walked to the desk with the coffee machine on it. Abby nervously took a cup out of the cupboard and turning her head in Carter's direction, she waited for a response. 

"Uhh…yeah. That's exactly what I need now." He moved his chair a bit thus he could watch Abby who was searching for another cup in the cupboard. 

"Wait", Carter suddenly added and Abby turned her head to face him.

"I'll take two cups."

Abby laughed.

"Two? Why don't you take coffee intravenous?"

Carter smiled.

"Wouldn't be bad, either."

"So the floor wasn't the right place to sleep on, I guess", Abby answered while searching for some spoons in the drawyer. 

Rolling his eyes, Carter let out a sigh.

"No comment?"

Abby grinned. She was dying to comment this with an 'I told you not to sleep on the floor'- speech but bit her lip instead.

"Okay, let's drop it."

She took the two cups of coffee and went back to the table. 

"Here's your coffeine, doctor." 

Putting  the two cups down on the table, she made herself comfortable next to Carter who gratefully took the cup and inhaled the delicious scent of hot coffee. Just the scent of it made him feel like a newborn baby. Normally, the coffee in the ER tasted horrible but right now, it was the most delicious coffee he'd ever tried. He glanced at Abby who was silently sitting next to him, her hands pressed around her mug. He could tell she was either nervous or feeling uncomfortable, so he made an attempt to relax the strange atmostphere between them.

"So, what about you? Bet you had a better time sleeping on the gurney last night."

Abby raised her head and looked up from her mug.

"Not really."

Carter raised his eyebrow.

"Why not? Wait…. I didn't snore, did I?", he grinned evilly.

Abby had to laugh.

"No. You snoring sometimes?" Now a cheeky grin appeared on her face. His remark had left her curious.

"No. I mean, normally I don't snore. That's why I was asking."

Abby's grin grew even wider. 

"Oh, sure. I see."

"Really. I don't snore." Carter smiled while he was trying to get out of the trap he'd set up himself.

Amused, Abby took another sip of her coffee. It was always fun just fooling around with Carter. One of the many things she absolutely loved about him. It was the way she could talk to him about various things without having to behave or to pretend anything. When she was with him, she could just be Abby. 

"Okay. If you say you don't snore, you don't snore."

The suspicious grin on her face told Carter that she still didn't believe a word of what he was saying. 

"Well, since I DON'T snore, what kept you up all night?" He remembered what they had been talking about before.

Abby got serious again.

"Um, nothing special. I had to think about some things."

Carter placed his mug back on the table.

"About yesterday?", he blurted out immediately.

At first, Abby froze but before she could do anything against it, she nodded and said,

"Um…yeah."

They both kept staring at each other, afraid to talk about it and struggling to find the right words. Whatever the right words were. 

"Me, too", Carter smiled and added,

"Actually, I couldn't think about anything else."

Abby froze again at his remark. She was going to hurt him. She knew how she was going to react, how she had to react to protect herself and Carter and this was going to hurt. She didn't want it but her rational mind told her that in the end, it'd be better for both. She had had less hopes that he'd take the kiss as something unimportant and unintended because she knew how Carter was feeling and how she was feeling about him. But to hear him say it made it hard to resist. To resist from just doing it, kissing him again, holding him and letting go of any fears. 

Carter himself was worried when Abby didn't react, so he made another attempt to catch her attention.

"Did I say something wrong?", he asked, frowning.

Abby shook her head. 

"No, it's just…"Her eyes focused on the table as she was trying to find the right words.

Carter studied her while waiting for a response and suddenly, he realized why she was struggling with her words, why she couldn't face him, why she had been trying to distance herself, why she'd liked to escape last night. He had put the pieces together and suddenly, everything made sense, everything became clear to him.

"I see. I should have known it." His voice was filled with anger and disappointment. He got up from his chair, walked across the room and leaning against a locker, he crossed his arms in front of his chest. Abby quickly rose her head.

"I can't do that."

"You can't do what?"

"I can't do this. Kiss you and…"

"What do you fear?"

Abby shrugged. It was scary how Carter always used to read her mind. 

"I….", she studdered, "I'm not afraid. It's just…it wouldn't be right."

"It wouldn't be right?" He couldn't believe what she was saying.

"We are friends. We can't…."

"Oh, come on, Abby, don't give me that whole friends reasoning. I don't buy it", he said, rolling his eyes at her. 

Abby took her hand off his arm. 

"Carter, don't make more of it than there really was. We kissed. Okay. But we were having a bad day, we needed comfort under unusual circumstances."

Carter moved closer to Abby, hands resting on hips. This was like a nightmare. But this time, nobody was there to wake him. It was all real. He'd never thought she'd come up with this excuse. If she'd told him she needed time or asked him to think things over, or even to wait until she'd set some things straight in her life, he wouldn't have complained. But he'd never thought she'd see the kiss as something that had happened under unusual circumstances. His only hope was that she didn't mean it and that it was all a bad excuse for her behaviour. An attempt to hide the real reason.

"You're not going to tell me the kiss was due to an unusual situation, are you?" Abby?"

Abby leant against the table.

"Did it ever occur to you that the kiss wouldn't have happened if we hadn't been stuck in quarantine?"

Carter shook his head. This was not happening. This was not happening.

"Is that what you're really thinking?"

Abby was unable to reply. She bowed her head thus she wouldn't have to face him any longer. What was she doing here? And why was she doing and saying things she didn't want to do or say? She had hurt him. That was what his eyes had shown her. But she had to do it if she wanted to prevent him and herself from pain. 

Taking the towel he was still wearing around his neck, he swallowed hard. She'd taken her decision and said everything by saying nothing. She didn't want it. She didn't want more than a friendship between them. He had been sure that there had been more between them and to a certain extent, he still believed it but even if – even if Abby had lied for whatever reason she'd felt she'd to do it, it wouldn't improve anything. It just proved that she was doing nothing to move their relationship forward. Instead, she was putting it on the line. It hurt. It hurt like hell.

He took a deep breath.

"Okay." Laying the towel down on the table, he walked pass Abby and stopped standing in the doorframe.

"I guess I misunderstood some things. We're obviously not feeling the same. Next time we're thrown into an unusual situation, I promise not to kiss you. So you're safe." He pushed against the door and left the room.

"Carter!", Abby yelled, trying to stop him but the door went shut.

Oh my god. Abby stared at the door for a few minutes, then she let herself fall down on a chair and resting her elbows on the table, she buried her face in her hands. What had she done? What on earth had she done? There she'd thought she would make things easier for both, she'd done what was best for her. But if it was best for her, why was she feeling terrible right now? Where was this feeling that would confirm that it had been right? Maybe it would take time and she'd finally see that her acting was reasonable. Hopefully. If not, she'd have to face the thought that she'd probably lost the only true friend she'd ever had. And more. For nothing. For nothing! Abby got up and went to her locker to get her jacket. She needed to catch some fresh air. Quick. And she'd need time to tell herself that she'd done the right thing. 

Doc Magoo's

Chicago

Thursday, one week later

1 pm

Susan Lewis entered the restaurant and made herself comfortable on a chair at the bar. She ordered a milkshake and some pasta for lunch and while she was waiting, she looked around. Magoo's was unusually crowed today. To get a seat at a table seemed nearly impossible, so she was glad she'd found a place at the bar. Looking around, at the other side of the room, she suddenly spotted Abby sitting at a table in a corner of the room. Her head was resting on her right hand while the other one was holding a fork with which she apathically picking at her salad. She seemed a little bit upset to Susan, so she told the waitress to bring her lunch at the table where Abby was sitting and stood up to walk to Abby. 

"Whatever it is, it's not the salad's fault."

Abby rose her head at the sound of Susan's voice and was surprised to see her. Susan greeted her with a huge smile. 

"Susan? Didn't see you."

Susan pulled off her coat, sat down on the bench in front of Abby and laid it down next to her. 

"Nevermind. Didn't see you at first, either. It's way overcrowded here today."

Abby looked around and nodded.

"Yeah. Must be a conspiracy."

Susan grinned.

"Maybe. But those people who are here right now, don't fill the ER. Consider this."

Abby grinned back.

"Good point."

"Pasta and a milkshake?" A young waitress stopped next to Susan, holding a plate and a big glass of milk in her hands. 

"That's mine," Susan said, raising a finger.

"Alright. Here you are. Enjoy", the young blonde girl that was completely dressed in green and white answered politely, put the plate and the glass in front of Susan and left.

Susan moved her nose closer to the pasta and happily inhaled the hot steam.

"Aahh, if it tastes how it smells, this is going to be a good day."

Abby looked at her, smiled back lightly and continued picking at her salad while Susan enjoyed her meal. For a few moments, nobody said a word until Susan took the initiative. 

"So…" she stopped and Abby looked up, raising her eyebrow.

"So?"

Susan took a sip of her milkshake.

"So, are you going to tell me what's wrong or would you like to continue torturing your salad?"

Abby stared at her. Susan had a strange way to get people to talk about things they didn't want to talk about. Even though one was not in the mood for a conversation or wanted to keep things for oneself, one would talk to her at last. Abby knew that, so she didn't even make an effort to hide anything from her and pretend nothing had happened. Maybe she'd feel better if she talked about it with someone. She knew she could trust Susan. When they first met, she'd disliked her or at least felt a certain antipathy for her. Maybe because Carter had been interested in her and she'd been jealous because she'd have some history with Carter. She didn't know exactly why. But they'd got to know each other better and now, Abby appreciated her presence whenever possible. She liked her humor, her loyality. The only thing that bothered her was the fact that she was also Carter's friend. Of course, she didn't fear that she'd tell him a word of what would be spoken between them but she wasn't sure to what extent Susan would interfere in their business to help her and her friend. 

Abby laid the fork on the table. 

"Sorry. Was lost in my thoughts. Mind if….?" Abby pulled a cigarette out of her left pocket and was about to light it.

"No", Susan replied, shaking her head.

She watched her while Abby was staring out of the window and smoking her cigarette. While trying some of her pasta, she directed to Abby.

"Do you have something or someone in particular on your mind?"

Abby had to cough.

"What did he tell you?"

Susan shrugged her shoulders.

"Who?"

"Carter."

She smiled.

"Ah, Carter. I see."

"He didn't tell you?"

"He didn't tell me what, Abby?"

"That's a long story", Abby sighed.

"I've plenty of time", Susan retorted.

"How much?"

"Half an hour."

Abby took a sip of her coffee.

"Then  I'll give you the short version."

Abby hesitated and Susan was impatiently waiting for her explanation.

"So? What is it?" She moved closer to Abby.

"We kissed", she blurted out. 

Susan sat back and put down her glass.

"You did what? But that's… Abby that's great. Why are you sitting here being upset then instead of hanging around with him?"

Abby looked down on her plate. She wished she knew the answer to that question.

"You wouldn't want to hang around with someone who dumped you, right?"

Susan frowned.

"He dumped you?" She couldn't believe that Carter would someone he loved so desperately like Abby. That didn't make sense.

"No, he didn't."

Susan pointed at Abby.

"You?"

Abby nodded.

"Yeah. Funny, huh?"

"But…why? I thought you two, well, had feelings for each other. That doesn't make sense."

Abby put out her cigarette.

"I don't know what makes sense and what doesn't. That's the problem."

"Aha, wait. I got it. Originally, you wanted this kiss as much as he did but something was withholding you, right?"

Abby once again stared at her in surprise.

"Does foreseeing run in your family?", she laughed and Susan joined her.

"Yeah, as well as a liking for dark-haired male individuums."

"I know what you mean", Abby answered and then got serious again.

"I lost him." Her voice sounded desperate and worried.

Susan leant forward.

"You didn't."

"He thinks the kiss meant nothing to me."

"But it does", Susan anticipated her answer.

"What made you step back?"

Abby shrugged her shoulders.

"I wanted to avoid some things… it would have made our lives complicated and difficult. I had no choice…" Abby brushed a hand through her long, dark hair.

"If it was the right decision, we wouldn't have this conversation now, Abby."

Susan's words suddenly woke Abby from apathy. They hurt. The truth always hurt. But she had to realize that it was the truth. She'd taken the wrong decision. She had been weak. She had wanted to be strong, to show and feel that she could control everything, her life, herself, her feelings and instead – she had been weak. She had been too weak to fight against her fears, to fight for a future with someone who meant a lot to her. By trying to prevent a catastrophe, she had ironically caused one. It hurt to admit it to herself but it hurt more to know that there was nothing left to do for her than to pick up the pieces of what had once formed her relationship with Carter.

She let out a sigh.

"Anyway, it's too late to change it. He wouldn't listen and I couldn't even blame him."

"You just gotta explain it and he'll understand", Susan tried to calm her but Abby shook her head. 

"Susan, I hurt him, I lied to him and I told him the kiss wouldn't have happened if we hadn't been stuck in this damn room."

Susan rolled her eyes.

"Okay. That's not less to forgive, I see. But hey – I mean, we're talking about Carter. If there's someone who can forgive mistakes, it's gotta be him", she tried to cheer her up.

"True. But if there's someone who can be damn stubborn, it's gotta be John Carter, too", Abby countered.

"Maybe. But he… Abby, you're not just anyone for him. You know that. He may be hurt but he needs you and he'll forgive you. You won't change anything if you don't try it", Susan insisted.

Abby thought about her remark for a while and came to the conclusion that she was probably right. 

"Abby?" Susan tried to get her attention.

Abby turned her head to face her again.

"You're right. I need to talk to him."

Susan smiled.

"You do the right thing, you'll see."

Abby drank the rest of her coffee.

"Do you know when he's on next?"

"I'm not quite sure. He said something about Friday morning." 

"That would be…" Abby stopped, looking at her watch.

"Tomorrow", Susan finished her sentence.

"Great", Abby replied, rolling her eyes. She'd hoped she'd have more time left to think things over, to think about the a way she could set things right. Susan noticed her uncertainty and tried to comfort her. 

"It's going to be okay, you'll see."

Abby had to laugh.

"Where did I hear that before?"

Susan casted a glance at her.

"What?"

"Nothing." She grabbed her bag, put some dollars on the table and stood up.

"You going?"

Abby nodded.

"Um, yes. Promised Chuny to take her shift."

"I see. Then I see you tomorrow."

Abby took her jacket and moved around the table. 

"Okay, see you." She was about to leave when she stopped a last time and turned towards Susan. 

"Susan"

She turned her head.

"Hmm?"

"I owe you something."

Susan smiled.

"I take your salad and we're quits."

"Deal", Abby smiled back, making her way out of the restaurant.

END OF PART 1


	2. Chapter 2

Mary

PART 2

Chicago

Friday

8:10 am

"Oh come on, guys!"

Carter yelled at the long row of cars that were standing in front of his, all stuck in traffic. Like him. He angrily honked twice, then gave up and risked a nervous look at his watch. 8:10 am and he was stuck here with his Jeep. Weaver would kill him. If there was one thing she really hated, it were late co-workers that weren't there on time. And he was already 40 minutes late. She wouldn't be amused. Not at all. Carter looked out of the window to his right and sighed. Traffic in both directions. A long row of cars in front of him and another one behind him. And he was stuck inbetween. Additionally, as if his situation hadn't been bad enough, he noticed that he had left his mobile phone at home, so there was no way he could inform the ER and Kerry. Great. Great. Great.

"John Carter, " he told himself, "Mark this date on your calendar. It's going to be the end of your career as a doctor at the County General."

He heard one of the drivers of the cars behind him honking and looked in his rear-view mirror.

"What the hell you think I'm doing here?! Waiting here just for fun or what?! Geez!!" Carter sweared, raising his hands.

"Calm down, calm down", he said to himself and turned the radio on. Maybe this would help him to relax a bit. He laughed. As if this was possible. 

General County Hospital

Chicago

Emergency Room

8:13 am

"Why am I doing this? Can someone please tell me why I am doing this?" Abby arrived at the admit desk, swearing. Angrily, she threw a chart on the desk.

Jing Mei who was standing next to her, signing some reports, smiled.

"Maybe because you love this well-paid job, the crazy patients who yell at you, insult you, discriminate you and vomit on your shoes, the long shifts, egocentric colleagues…"

"Okay, okay", Abby raised her hand.

"Thank you. Sometimes I need to be reminded of the reasons I love this job", she sighed.

Jing Mei nodded.

"Know what you mean."

Abby took a sip of her coffee she'd left at the admit desk some time ago. It was cold and tasted horrible but at least, it was coffee. 

"Great. Then would you mind having a look at Mr Lazarre in curtain 3? He wants a doctor to take his temperature."

Jing Mei had to laugh.

"What? Why doesn't he want you to take it?"

Abby placed her mug back on the desk.

"He thinks I manipulate the temperature. All nurses do that, you know."

Jing Mei bursted out laughing and shook her head.

"Oh my god. That's not true, is it?"

"It is", Abby confirmed, grinning.

"Oh dear. That's not a case for a normal doctor but a psychiatrist."

"Want me to call one?", Abby smirked.

"No, I'll have a look at him, first." Jing Mei took the chart Abby had thrown on the desk and got up while Abby herself searched for a new one.

"Don't say I didn't warn you", she remarked as she watched Jing Mei leaving down the hall. Then she moved towards Randi who was sitting at the computer.

"Randi? Wasn't Carter said to be on today?"

Randi looked into her files, then back at Abby. 

"Actually yes. But he hasn't arrived, yet", she mumbled while chewing her chewing gum.

Abby had a look at her watch. 8:20 am.

"He's 50 minutes late. Did you try to get him on the pager?"

"Hey, if he's late, he's late. That's his business, not mine. Can't call anyone who's late. I've some other things to do", Ranid replied, spitting out her gum into the garbage.

Abby let out a sigh and picked up the phone to contact Carter via his pager. It seemed strange to her that he was that late and hadn't left a message for the ER. And besides, she couldn't remember he had ever been 50 minutes late. He was one of the less staff members who always arrived on time for work. She dialled his number and waited for a few minutes but when he didn't call back, she decided to call him on his mobile phone. She easily remembered his number. It was on of the few numbers she could always remember. 

Abby waited again but only got his answering machine. She hang up and Randi turned her head towards Abby.

"Can't reach him?"

Abby shook her head.

"No. That's weird. Neither got him via his mobile phone nor the pager." She began to worry. It was not carter-like to be late AND not to take his pager or at least his mobile phone with him. 

"Maybe he's still at home?", Randi suggested.

Abby bit her lip nervously. If Kerry would find out about it, she'd kill him.

"At home? Yeah, maybe."

So she picked up the phone again and tried to reach him at home but the only thing she could reach was the answering machine, telling her that he was at work. "But he isn't", Abby thought.

Chicago

8:30 am

One hour. He was roughly one hour too late. Weaver wouldn't only kill him, no, she'd also feed his bones to the sharks at the zoo. Anyway, he didn't want to arrive even later, so he drove fast. Too fast but he'd to make up some time he'd lost while being stuck in traffic. Gripping his hands stronger around the steering wheel, he sighed. This was definitely not his day. When he'd got up and wanted to have a shower, he had got nothing but cold water, his toaster had somehow set itself on fire, he had forgotten his mobile phone at home and last but not least, he had been stuck in traffic for more than half an hour. Even the radio stations seemed to have formed a conspiracy against him and were playing songs he absolutely hated. Carter zapped through the different stations while keeping his eyes fixed on the road and finally found one that was playing an old Stones song. So he decided to stay on this channel. 

This ruined day perfectly fit into the past ruined week and the past month. It seemed to him that everything that could have gone wrong, finally went wrong. It had started with Mark's death, then he'd found out about Abby's relapse and finally, he had almost infected himself with smallpox and Abby had told him their kiss didn't mean much to her. What else was waiting for him? And above all, how could he just go on after his last encounter with Abby? Carter didn't know how they could just be friends again after all that had happened. Even if he wanted to, he wouldn't know how. Right now, he wasn't sure whether he would like to be her friend. Just her friend. But to throw away everything they had?

He tried to focus on the road and drove a bit faster. Just a few minutes and he'd be at the ER. 

Chicago General Hospital

Chicago

Emergency Room

8:40 am

"Hey Abby. Have you seen Carter? I've one of his former patients here and gotta ask him something. Can't find him anywhere", Susan Lewis asked Abby as she passed by the admit desk. Abby hang up the phone and shrugged her shoulders.

"He's not here."

Susan stopped by and leant over the desk.

"Not here? Where's he?"

"Don't know. He should have been here an hour ago. Cannot contact him, either."

"Now that's weird."

"You can say that again", Abby stressed, picked up the phone again and dialled his number for about the 50th time. She really began to worry about him. Being late was one thing but not leaving a message for the ER was a different thing. Abby felt a strange and uncomfortable feeling coming up. A feeling that something had happened. It scared her she felt terrible. While holding the phone in one hand, she was tapping nervously with her other fingers on the admit desk. Susan noticed her nervosity and tried to calm her.

"I'm sure he's okay and just stuck in traffic or something like that. Don't worry."

Abby looked at Susan.

"I don't worry, I'm just trying to reach him before Kerry does it", she replied evasively, trying to sound as relaxed as possible.

Susan grinned at Abby's attempt to hide her emotions, to hide that she was worried about Carter. It was somehow funny how she automatically tried to protect herself and hide everything when being thrown into an emotional situation.

"Sure", she answered, smirking.

"Okay, I give up", Abby sighed, angrily putting down the phone at its place. A lot of work was still waiting for her and she couldn't spend the whole morning trying to call Carter. Even if she wanted to. She jumped to her feet and was about to leave when she heard Randi talking to one of the paramedics via the microphone. Susan also stopped and tried to understand what they were talking about but she couldn't understand it properly because there was too much noise in the ER. So she asked Randi after she had finished her conversation.

"What is it?"

Randi got up and hurried towards Susan and Abby.

"Car crash. One of the cars exploded. Two victims at least. ETA 2 minutes."

"Okay. Trauma 2 is available. Gotta prepare everything quickly. Abby, you coming with me and Randi, we need Weaver and Kovac and a second trauma room. Quick!", Susan yelled and rushed down the hall. Abby quickly followed and ran to trauma room 1 to check whether it was empty. She bumped into the room to find Cleo and Gallant there, treating a young girl. 

"Cleo, we need the room. Car crash, two or more victims", Abby shouted.

Cleo and Gallant whirled around at hearing Abby's voice. 

"Okay. But we need an empty room thus we can move her."

"Exam room 3 is free", Abby answered while pulling on her yellow sterile clothes and a pair of gloves.

"Okay. We'll move in there", Cleo Finch replied and Abby hurried outside back to the admit desk where Luka and Susan were already waiting for the ambulance to arrive.

"Trauma 1 is available, too," she said, stopping next to the two doctors.

"Alright. That should work for now. Maybe we'll need another room but in this case, we have to improvise", Luka commented, putting on his gloves.

Abby looked at him.

"How bad is it?"

Luka shrugged.

"No idea. Better prepare for not such a nice view. Expect some bad burnings. They said the Jeep exploded."

Abby suddenly felt her legs weaken and her heart jumping out of her chest at hearing those words.

"A Jeep?", she heard herself ask while the rest of her was paralized. No, that couldn't be. It was impossible, wasn't it? There were more people driving a Jeep. More than him. He'd be okay. He'd be okay.

"Abby? Abby!"

Abby woke from her shock and saw Susan staring at her through her safety goggles. She obviously knew why Abby had asked about the car.

"It's not him. It's not him, okay?"

Suddenly, the entrance doors flew open and the paramedics rushed into the ER with two people lying on separate gurneys. Susan accompanied the one gurney and Luka and Abby took the other one. While running down the hall, the paramedics gave them a short report of what had happened.

"Car explosion. Victim's female, about 45 years old, conscious, low blood pressure, a few burnings on her left arm and both legs."

Abby looked at the woman who was staring helplessly at her. Her face was pale and covered with blood and she was breathing heavily under the oxygen mask.

Then, she looked behind herself and tried to catch a view of the second injured person but she couldn't see much while running after Luka. She could only catch a few words one of the medics was telling Susan.

"Patient's male. Age unknown. Probably in his 30s, driver of the Jeep. 70% of his body's burned."

Abby almost stumbled over her own feet while she glimpsed over her shoulder at the male patient. And what she saw was a shock to her. She'd seen much during her career but this was horrible. The man's clothes were burned and sticking on his burned skin. His face was completely burned and made it impossible for her to identify him. It was cruel and she felt sick. He was in his 30s, right? And he drove a Jeep? Oh god. 

They had reached the trauma room where Kerry was already waiting and rushed into the room. Luka gave her the facts and the vital statistics while they were trying to lift the woman on the gurney. Abby couldn't help but stare through the window of the connecting door to the other trauma room where Susan and Gallant were treating the other patient. She could see Susan yelling at Malik and Haleh, Gallant trying to reanimate the man, Haleh handing him the paddles, the burned naked body moving up and down under the electricity that was set through it. It was like seeing everything in slowmotion. The world around her disappeared. It was him. It had to be him. The Jeep, his age, he had been late and nobody had been able to reach him. It all made sense. She looked again at what was happening in the other trauma room. She barely heard Luka's and Kerry's voices coming from afar but she didn't react. She was unable to move. Susan laid down the paddles and pulled off her gloves when she saw Abby staring through the window. Her eyes suddenly became a pityful expression. And then, she shook her head. He was dead.

"Abby! Abby!!", Kerry yelled at her but she was lost in her thoughts, lost in the emptiness that filled her body.

"Abby, we need to call surgery. Quick! For god's sake, what's wrong with you?!", Luka tried to get through to her. 

Abby pulled off her gloves and her coat and left the room without saying a word or reacting to Luka's and Kerry's attempts to call her. She wanted to be alone. Apathetically, she slowly walked along the hall. People were jostling against her, talking to her and she kept walking without showing any kind of reaction. As she walked pass the trauma room, Susan came out and seeing Abby's pale face and sad look, she wanted to stop her but Abby kept heading for the lounge. 

"Abby, it's not…", was all Susan could muster before she saw her disappearing into the lounge.

"Carter!", Abby could hear her own voice say when she bumped into him after heading into the lounge.

"Ooops, sorry", Carter said shortly, his hands resting on Abby's shoulders, trying to keep his balance while Abby's hands were unintentionally resting on his chest. She was unable to say anything and kept staring straight into his hazel eyes. A few minutes ago, she'd thought she'd lost him and now she was standing here, looking into his warm eyes. He was alive. A mixture of happiness, relief and anger filled her. Part of her just wanted to put her arms around him and hug him and the other part just wanted to kick him for putting her in such a situation. 

Carter let go of her and made a step sidewards.

"Uh, mind if…? I'm late."

Putting his stethoscope around his neck, he walked pass Abby who was still staring at him. 

The door shut and he'd left. He'd just left. She was stunned and speechless and angry. Closing her eyes, she ran her hands through her hair. Yes, she was angry but not about Carter. No, she was angry with herself. Abby let herself fall on one of the chairs at the table, sat back and took a deep breath. It became clear to her. Suddenly, everything became clear. And something else had disappeared. Her fears. All the time she had been afraid of getting close, of letting someone care about her, love her, share her life. And now she realized that this was all she'd ever wanted and that she wanted to be with him, with Carter. She couldn't prevent them from being hurt, prevent herself and him from pain. That was what the last minutes had shown her. She couldn't prevent anything but if it happened, then she wanted to be there for him instead of standing at the sidelines, being unable to share her thoughts, her fears and anything else with him. Never again did she want to find herself standing in front of him without being able to tell  him how afraid she'd been that he was gone forever and how lucky to see him alive at last. But what about Carter? Of course, she needed to talk to him but how would he react? Abby got up. She hoped that there was a second chance for them. Somewhere. Somewhen.

9:30 pm

A cool breeze was blown into her face when Abby opened the door to the roof, so she wrapped her arms around her body to keep herself warm. It was a clear and crispy night, the moon and stars were brightening the dark skyline of the city. Abby looked around and finally spotted him at the other end of the roof, sitting on the railings, a cup of coffee in one hand. He seemed to be lost in his thoughts and was looking afar into the night sky. The stethoscope he was normally wearing around his neck had been put into on of his white coat's pockets and the wind was playing with his half-loosened tie. He didn't notice Abby strolling in his direction. 

"Hey", she said, stopping next to him. 

Carter turned his head at hearing her voice.

"Abby? Thought your shift was over."

She nodded.

"It is. Mind if I…", she asked, pointing at the place on the railings next to Carter.

"Uh, no."

"Fine." Abby pulled herself on the railings next to Carter who took a sip of his coffee.

"Night shift?", she asked, looking at him.

"Doing some extra hours."

"Kerry?"

Carter smiled lightly, looking afar. 

"She wasn't pleased about my late appearance this morning."

"I see", Abby commented, rubbing her hands together. Susan had told her the whole story behind Carter's disappearance this morning and that Kerry hadn't quite bought his excuse of a forgotten mobile phone and the traffic and that it had taken half an hour to convince her that fireing him wasn't necessary and he wouldn't do it again. Abby doubted that Kerry would ever fire fire Carter for such a reason because she cared about him and respected him as a doctor and a loyal person. She hadn't even fired him after she got to know about his addiction. On the other hand, with a boss like Kerry, you could never see yourself on the safe side. When she was having a bad day, anything could happen. Abby knew this herself. 

Carter took the stethoscope out of his pocket and laid it around his neck. 

"As far as I know, I was not the only one she was mad at", he remarked, giving her a look.

Abby raised her head. She knew what he was referring to. Obviously, someone hat not waited long to spread the news around. She sighed, rolling her eyes.

"Great. Then you already know everything."

"I know Haleh's version. But I'd like to hear yours", Carter said.

"Haleh, huh? I knew I could count on her", she said with a harsh tone in her voice. Something she absolutely hated about the ER was the way everyone used to spread gossip about someone else. You couldn't do something without half of the staff knowing it.

"I don't have to tell you anything about the nurses when it comes to that point, do I?", Carter asked but it was rather a rhetorical question.

"No."

"So, what was wrong this morning?" 

Carter drank the rest of his coffee and put the mug aside.

Abby looked afar, then back at Carter.

"It was all because… I was afraid."

"Of what?"

"This man…who died at the car crash this morning… nobody could identify him… you weren't there and he drove a Jeep…and…", Abby got more and more excited.

Carter gazed at her. He suddenly realized what she had been afraid of. 

"Abby…", he tried to stop her but Abby continued.

"If it had been you, I…", she looked at him with a desperate expression in her eyes. An expression Carter had never seen before on her.

"But it wasn't me, Abby."

She nodded.

"Yeah."

Carefully, she rested his hand on his and for a while nobody of them said a word. 

"I'm sorry", Abby whispered with a thin voice.

"What for?" Carter asked back.

"I didn't mean to hurt you."

Carter bowed his head and lowered his voice.

"The kiss?", he asked hesitantly.

"Yeah." 

"You don't have to be sorry for anything, Abby. I can't force you to do anything. If it's not there, it's not there."

Abby sat up straight.

"But it is", she countered.

Carter quickly rose his head and stared at  Abby at hearing her say it. At first, his heart turned a somersault but then, something deep inside him refused to believe her words. The part that was still hurt.

"Since when, Abby?"

Abby looked at him, confused.

"For a long time."

Carter withdraw his hand from hers and jumped off the railings back to his feet. Abby watched him.

"Oh really. You sure it's not since this morning?" Now his voice sounded harsh.

Abby frowned.

"No, what do you mean?"

"Well, a few days ago, you told me the kiss wouldn't have happened at all if we hadn't been in quarantine and today, you thought I was dead and suddenly, the kiss means more to you than you thought it would. Doesn't this sound suspicious to you at all?"

Abby was touched by the bitterness and pain she found when looking into his eyes as she heard him telling her what he'd just told her. Obviously, she'd hurt him more than she thought she had. What could she do to show him that her feelings were honest and true?

"You mean I wouldn't have realized my feelings for you if this accident had never happened? Do you really think that?", Abby asked, jumping to her feet.

Carter crossed his arms.

"I don't know what to think anymore."

Abby moved towards Carter.

"Carter, the only thing I learned from this whole accident was that it's scaring me more not being able to be close to you than to be close to you. My feelings for you have always been there. It didn't take me this accident to realize them. Don't tell me they resulted from an unusual situation. Carter?", Abby rather pleaded than aksed.

"Why not? It was you who told me that this was possible", he replied, his voice now having a slight touch of sarcasm in it.

Abby couldn't move. She just stood there with her mouth open. It felt like slapping her in the face. If she could just think of something to tell him, but it was impossible because he war right. She had accused him of what she was being accused of now. Accused of having feelings that weren't there. Being told that without an unusual situation, nothing had happened between them. It was then when Abby realized how bad she'd actually hurt him with her accuse. 

She was still paralized when Carter turned and started to walk off the roof.

"Excuse me, I need to work", was all he returned before he left Abby.

"Carter! You know what I feel", she called back at him.

Carter stopped for a moment and looked back at her.

"Do I?", he asked and walked off the roof. And for the second time of this day, Abby felt this emptiness inside her and surrounding her.

Chicago General Hospital

Chicago

Emergency  Room

Monday

3:45 pm

"Then you gotta find someone else. Am I the only one here?! Geez!", Susan sweared, rushing into the lounge. This was definitely not her day. Sometimes she felt as if she was the only doctor to consult if something was going to be difficult or causing trouble. 

Turning around, she looked into a pair of hazel eyes that were glowering at her. Carter was lying on the sofa, his white coat was all folded under his head, providing a pillow. His shirt was loosely hanging out of his trousers. Susan had to grin at this funny view.

"Sorry. Hope I didn't wake you."

Carter yawned and rubbing his eyes, he slowly got up and sat back on the sofa.

"You want me to answer that?", he mumbled.

"Oh, poor boy. Really that bad, huh?", Susan teased him and made herself comfortable next to him. 

Carter darted a glance at her. 

"Funny"

"Sorry", Susan said, "Really didn't want to wake you."

Carter stroke his hands through his tousled hair.

"Nevermind. I'm just tired, that's all."

"Since when have you been on?"

Carter  took a look at his watch.

"30 hours. I can't remember when I've eaten for the last time nor when I've slept more than 3 hours at once for the last time. I'm fed up with everything at the moment."

Susan raised an eyebrow at him.

"With everything? You mean it's not just work?"

He gave her a look.

"What are you implying?"

"Your current mood doesn't have anything to do with a certain nurse, I suppose?"

Carter stared at the blonde doctor that was sitting next to him. Sometimes she was really scary.

"Do I have anything written on my forehead?"

Susan grinned.

"No. But she seems to be in the same 'brilliant' mood you're in these days, so I was figuring..", she explained before she was cut short by Carter.

"I'm sorry for her." He tried to stuff his shirt back into his trousers.

Susan frowned. She didn't like this sarcasm his voice was showing.

"What happened?"

He sighed.

"Abby has decided to have feelings for me", he remarked harshly.

"Has decided? But she has feelings for you." What the hell was going on between those two?

"Not before she thought I was dead."

"What do you mean with 'not before'?"

Carter grabbed his white coat and pulled it on.

"Well, before this accident, she told me that she wasn't keeping any kind of feelings for me and suddenly, after the accident, when she mistakenly thought I was injured, she sees more in me than just a friend. Funny, huh?" I could be laughing about it if it wasn't that serious, Susan."

Susan leant forward.

"Um, Carter, you don't actually believe what you just said, do you?"

"Why?"

Susan raised and stood in front of Carter, her hands resting on her hips.

"Carter, you serious?!" She got angry about Carter's stubborness.

He rose his head and looked up at Susan.

"I don't know what to believe anymore."

She sighed.

"Carter, you know you're my friend but sometimes, I could kick you for your damn stubborness! So would you please stop drowning yourself in self-pity and playing the heart-broken?! It doesn't suit you."

Carter stood up, tucking his hands into his pockets.

"Susan, I…", he was about to say when Susan rose her hand and interrupted him.

"No. Let me talk, okay? If you hadn't been busy playing the hurt one, you'd have known that she was about to talk to you about her feelings before the accident happened but you weren't there. What am I saying here anyway?! You know there's something going on between yourself and her. With or without the accident or the quarantine. Full stop."

Crossing her arms, she added, "Okay, now it's your turn."

Carter didn't say anything for a while and let himself fall back on the sofa instead. Burrying his face in his hands, he let out a sigh. Susan was right. Damn right and now, he felt like crap. Withdrawing his hand from his face, he looked at Susan who was still staring angrily at him. 

"I'm an idiot, huh?"

Susan smiled ligthly.

"Wow. Now we're talking straight."

"And I didn't even ask her why she…"

"She wanted to prevent you and herself from troubles", Susan anticipated his words.

"You two have something special and I think you know it. Don't waste more time, Carter."

Carter grabbed Susan's hand and smiled at her.

"You're great, you know that?"

She smiled back.

"I'm the wrong person to tell."

"You know where she is?", Carter asked and Susan nodded.

"I do."

A park near Lake Michigan

Chicago

8:10 pm

This felt good. It really felt good. Leaning back on this bench with her eyes closed, Abby enjoyed the warm sunbeams that were gently touching her skin. She loved this park near the lake. She used to go here whenever she'd felt the need to relax a bit, to think about certain things or just to be alone. She wasn't sure why she'd come this time. Maybe because of all three reasons. Or something else. Whatever. But it didn't matter. It felt good to be here. With her eyes closed, she kept listening to the various sounds that filled the park. She could hear the quacking of the ducks, the singing of the birds and the humming of a few bees that were peacefully flying around her. Afar, a few kids were playing with a ball, yelling, laughing. Sometimes, she admired them for their happy childhood. Abby couldn't remember she'd ever just played around with her friends without having had to think about what her mom was doing at the same moment, whether she was still at home or in a hospital where the doctors would be fighting for her life. No, her childhood had never been easy. Her whole life had never been easy. But she liked to push these thoughts away. Right now, she didn't want to think about anything. She'd simply sit here and enjoy this wonderful evening. It was still warm for this time of the day, yet not too warm. It was simply perfect. 

"Excuse me, Miss. May I sit down here for a while?"

Abby's eyes quickly snapped open at the sound of a friendly female voice. A few inches in front of her stood an old lady, wearing a black dress and a black hat. Her hair was all white and Abby figured she was in her late 70s. Abby glimpsed at the old woman because the sunlight was blinding her. Moving a few inches aside, she offered her a place next to her on the bench. 

"Of course", she answered, giving her a polite smile.

The old lady gladly took Abby's offer and sat down next to her.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome", Abby returned.

The lady kept her blue-green eyes on the lake for a while, then turned her head towards Abby who was also focussing her eyes on the lake.

"This is wonderful, isn't it?"

Abby nodded.

"It is. Have you been here, before? If I may ask."

The woman next to Abby smiled and a certain glamorous look appeared in her eyes.

"Oh, Henry and I used to come here for about 40 years. We had wonderful times here."

"Henry?", Abby asked.

"My husband. This was our place, so to say", the woman explained and this smile on her face wouldn't disappear. 

"Was? He…", Abby didn't really dare to ask but the old lady guessed her question.

"Died, yes. He died last April. His heart suddenly stopped beating."

Abby was touched by her story and suddenly felt sorry for having asked this question.

"I'm sorry", she expressed but the old lady patted Abby's hand and kept smiling.

"You don't have to be, Miss. We had a wonderful time."

"Don't you miss him?"

The lady nodded.

"I do. In each and every minute. But then I come here to this place and I know that he's still with me. That's what he taught me. That we should be happy and enjoy the time we spend together because that's what will remain when it's over. And nobody and nothing can take this away from you."

Being fascinated by the old lady's story, Abby listened carefully to it.

"Sounds he was a great man", she commented.

"Oh yes, he was. He loved me. Even though we were not alike and although I was never a simply person to live with. But he loved me."

Abby sighed happily.

"That's wonderful, Miss."

"Mary. Please call me Mary", the old woman asked her in her thin voice.

"Mary. Okay. I'm Abby", Abby answered, shaking the Mary's hand. 

Both women kept staring at the lake for a while. The sun was almost going down and reflected itself in the water. It was a colourful scenario. Then Abby turned back towards Mary.

"But… isn't it hard when you lose it? I mean… it's easier to get over something that doesn't mean much to you, isn't it?"

Mary looked intently at Abby.

"You found it, too, right?"

Abby simply nodded and whispered,

"Yes."

Mary squeezed Abby's hand.

"You can't lose it. Things may change and maybe something happens that separates you forever but it'll remain, though. It's always there", she explained, placing the other hand on her heart. 

"I know", Abby said with a low voice, smiling and staring on the ground. She thought about her words for a while and suddenly, she felt better. It was as if something she'd already known had been confirmed. And maybe it was then when her mind had accepted what her heart had already known. After a while, Abby heard Mary calling her name.

"Abby?"

Abby rose her head.

"You shouldn't keep him waiting any longer."

Abby frowned.

"Who?"

"This lovely young man there who's been watching you for some time", Mary answered and pointed with her hand at someone who was standing a few metres away from them  at the lake. Abby looked in his direction, then back at Mary. She was confused.

"How did you know…?", she was about to ask when Mary smiled at her.

"The way he's looking at you. See." She nodded in his direction.

Abby again looked at him. He was just standing there, smiling lightly as he saw that Abby had noticed him. The sun was still blinding her but she could see the look in his eyes. She almost hadn't recognized him wearing a pair of jeans, sporting shoes and a tight, dark blue t-shirt. He looked georgeous. Mary watched Abby staring at him and a grin appeared on her face. It was there. She could literally see it between those two young people.

"I suppose you'll leave me now?", Mary asked, grinning and Abby looked back at her, smiling.

"I'm afraid, yes", she replied and got up to her feet.

"Thank you, Mary", she said, offering her her hand.

Mary took it and shook her head.

"I have to thank you."

Abby turned and made her way to the lake where he was already waiting for her, leaning against a tree. A shy smile appeared on his face when she stopped next to him. Nervously, he tucked his hands into the pockets of his dark blue jeans.

"Hey", Abby said when reaching him.

"Hey", he reptorted.

"How long have you been standing here?"

Carter shrugged his shoulders.

"A few minutes. Didn't want to disturb you and…?"

"Mary", Abby jumped in.

"Mary", Carter repeated.

For a few minutes, silence filled the air and Carter watched the lake while Abby kept looking on the ground. Then, finally Carter looked at her.

"Abby, I… I'm sorry. I mean for doubting your….your feelings and anything. I'm an idiot. If you're afraid or whatever, then it's okay but please, let me be with you… don't…" he was about to say when suddenly, Abby moved towards him and kissed him on the lips. Her hand caressing his right cheek.

"I love you", she whispered which left Carter completely speechless. He would have expected anything but that. He couldn't get his eyes off her as she began to blush in a cute way. Abby kept staring back at him, not knowing whether she'd done the right thing this time. But as she was beginning to worry, Carter's hands were already cupping her face, stroking it carefully with his thumbs. Abby watched him as he slowly moved his face closer to hers. His mouth was only a few inches away from hers, his breath gently touching her skin. He leant even closer to her, then stopped and smiled.

"I love you", he whispered and leant in for another kiss. And this time, Abby let go of everything, her fears, her doubts. Everything. In this very moment, nothing else mattered. Nothing but herself and Carter.

John Carter's apartment

Chicago

Saturday

6:10 am

Carter awoke by the horrible sound of his old alarm clock. He tried to reach it with his left hand and turned it off, quickly. Then he moved closer to Abby  who was still lying asleep next to him. Carefully, he laid his left arm around her body, while moving closer to her until his chest was touching her back. Her body was warm and her breathing calm and slow. He kept lying in this position with his eyes open. He wanted to enjoy it for a while before they'd have to get up and daily life would catch up on them. It felt wonderful holding her close, inhaling the scent of her hair, listening to nothing else but her heartbeat. Carter smiled. He had to think about the fact that they were both lying here with their clothes on, nothing had happened last night and yet, he felt better than he'd ever felt before. How many times he'd spent the night with a woman after the first date and woken up the other morning, he'd felt as if nothing special had happened or something was missing and now, that he and Abby had spent the night nothing but holding each other, he felt like the luckiest person on earth. She was making him the luckiest person on earth because she loved him. As he loved her. No matter what. Sometimes, he thought that it was even more than love he was feeling for her. She was extraordinary and meant more to him than any other woman had ever meant to him before because her love was pure and true. Things that other people, even his friends, used to see when looking at him, things like his addiction, his popular name,  his wealth, his job, have never meant anything to Abby. He knew that from the first time he met her at the Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. It was the look she'd given him. He had a feeling that everytime she was looking at him, she never saw anything else than himself, the person, John Carter. For the first time, he could be sure of being loved and respected for being himself. 

Abby began to move a bit, so he figured she was awake. Slowly, Carter lifted himself up a bit and placed a soft kiss on her neck. Abby smiled, rolled over to the other side until she was lying face to face with Carter who was smiling back at her.

"Hi", she whispered.

"Hi", Carter replied with a soft voice and drew the blanket closer around their bodies.

"How was the night?", he asked.

"Fine", she answered, "A bit too short."

Leaning his forehead against hers, Carter sighed.

"Yes. Those are the moments when I hate my job."

Abby looked into his eyes and caressed his cheek.

"What time is it?"

"Something about 6:20 am."

"Oh man." Abby closed her eyes.

"You think Kerry would be very mad at us if we just don't go?"

"No. We'd probably find ourselves in pathology afterwards but besides…" A cheeky grin appeared on Carter's face and Abby playfully pushed with her hand against his chest.

"Carter!", she laughed.

He shrugged and grinned.

"So what?"

"She's not that bad", Abby insisted.

"Wanna try it?"

Abby hesitated for a moment, then laughed.

"No. It's damn cold in pathology."

"Then I see no other possibility than to get up now", he said and was about to get out of the bed when Abby pushed him down and laid with her upper body on top of him.

"10 minutes", she suggested, smiling at Carter whose eyes locked with hers.

"10 minutes", he agreed, laid his hand around her neck and drew her face closer to his to let his lisp meet with hers. Abby let her hand run through his hair while the other one searched for his to let it entangle with hers. If it was up to her, she'd never let go of it. She could spend the whole day holding his hand, being close to him and she'd never have enough of it. For the first time in her life, she had actually the feeling that she had done something right and that this was the right way. Of course, her problems didn't disappear but it felt good to have someone beside her. And this someone was not only a friend but her life, everything. She realized what Mary had been trying to explain to her, yesterday. No matter how this would end and when it would end – she had something nobody could take away from her. Ever.

Abby broke the kiss to catch her breath but kept looking intently at Carter who gently tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear.

"You know what?", he asked.

Abby rose her head and rested her head on his chest.

"What?"

"You never told me about Mary."

Abby smiled.

"I just met her yesterday. She's a wonderful woman."

Carter let his finger linger over her lips abd watched her.

"Like you", he whispered and placed another kiss on her lips.

"Carter?"

"Hmm?"

"You also forgot to tell me something."

He frowned.

"What?" 

Abby smirked.

"You DO snore."

Carter bit his lip and grinned.

"I do what?"

Abby laughed.

"You snoring."

"I never snore", Carter laughed, too.

"You do", Abby returned.

"So? What are you going to do against it? Are you going to leave me because of this?", he kidded, rolled over and carefully laid on top of her.

"Hm, I gotta think this over carefully", Abby grinned sheepishly.

"Okay…22….23….24…So?"

"Mind if I stay?"

"Stay", he replied and their lips melt in another passionate kiss.

The End

~°~°~°

As always, feedback is highly welcome. If you liked or disliked the story and have a few minutes for me, please let me know what you think about it. Just review the story or email me at saskia.albert@t-online.de

Other carby stories written by me:

Run

Star


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